Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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