I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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