well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
