I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
