I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
