So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
