Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
