you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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