.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
