And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You pole danced in your parka.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
