Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
