we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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