fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
