Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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