I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
