her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
