I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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