I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
MIDGETS
????
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
