she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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