i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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