Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
