She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
