I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
