Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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