Need sex. Gaining weight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
