shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
