Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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