she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
