Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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