apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
