true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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