So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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