I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
