Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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