Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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