My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
