Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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