Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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