I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
