I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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