Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
