DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
