Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
