please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
