i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
