I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
