Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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