I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
