she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
