I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
