filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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