How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
